16 May 2013

mama memoirs: more milestones

ruby had her first field trip this week. if you are friends with me on facebook, you've already heard me talk a bit about it. 

I know it probably seems silly to many people. others who have kids already and are used to their kid(s) going on field trips and doing other equally independent, grown-up-kid things, or others who don't have kids and don't see the big deal in a kid getting on a bus, along with a bunch of adults, and going to the park. and to be honest, i didn't see the big deal either. but it turned out to be a big deal to me. 

i was pretty excited for ruby to go & anxious to hear all about it after they got back. i dropped her off with her teachers and said goodbye. ms brandie had asked me if I wanted her to call me with an update when they got back and I said "no, I'll be fine. I'll check in when I pick her up." I was trying to be all chill about it. it was comical, I'm sure, because many of you know that when it comes to mothering, I do a pretty superb job of freaking-the-freak out, but not so much of the be-chill attitude. 

so i left her room & went to check her in on the computer when i noticed the big yellow school bus pulling up. surely they weren't riding in an actual school bus. like, without seat belts or car seats? maybe if ruby was as strong as other kids, I wouldn't have noticed but, I quickly doubled back to her room to ask ms brandie to make sure someone sat next to her, in case she was having trouble holding herself up around corners and such. brandie did a great job of reassuring me and i left (again. sort of). 

when i got to me car, i just couldn't move it. i sat in the driver's seat and watched groups of kids come out with their teachers and pile on the buses until i recognized kids from ruby's room. towards the end of the line, i saw ms tiarra come out the door with ruby in her arms and board the bus. another teacher was counting heads and you could clearly feel how excited the kids were, bounding on to the bus, laughing and screaming. it was just exactly how i remember "field trip days" as a child. so much excitement. 

and suddenly, it hit me that that is ruby now - a kid going on a field trip. just like I did. a part of me worries a bit more than I might if she didn't have SMA, just bc I want to be with her and be able to deflect questions and judgements from people who may wonder why she's crawling when everyone else is running around. but mostly, i was crying just because it hit me how fast she's growing up. it's cliche. but that's why it's true. 

mr john mayer nailed it (as usual) when he sang about wanting to "stop this train. i want to get off and go home again. i can't take the speed it's moving in." good grief, how i want the train to come to a screeching halt sometimes. even if just for a few seconds longer to love on ruby just as she is. before the future comes, bringing god only knows what. but we can't stop it. and it continues to serve as another remind to appreciate the now. 

*linking up with mandy over at a sorta fairy tale blog for her bi-weekly "mama memoirs" link up!

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