22 August 2012

a mother's love

i haven't mentioned this here yet, but it's been almost 4 weeks since T's mom passed away unexpectedly. it was incredibly sudden. for terence and his family, it's been (obviously) devastating. life changing. i can only imagine what it feels like, what it will feel like one day when it's my turn to depend on terence. for me, it's been a shift in what life was like and what it is now. it's just... different. i've stayed focused on taking care of T and ruby, helping out however i can with his sisters and his dad. because of this, i haven't really let myself sit with how it has affected me. the few times that i've really let myself feel everything were when my friends or my family were asking about me specifically. it's really the only time i have let myself feel the weight of how sad this all is because all of my other time is spent taking care of others. which is really how i like it to be. it keeps me busy and gives me a sense of purpose. and it just lifts my spirits to know that i'm taking care of someone else who really needs the support.

going through this as a mother has been different than any other loss i've experienced before. as with everything else in my life, becoming a mother makes this experience different, harder, and sheds light on a new perspective. there is the quote that is something along the lines of "to become a mother is to forever go walking around with your heart on the outside of your body". that quote could not be anymore true. i can't breath just thinking about losing ruby. and to imagine the day when she will lose me? i now realize that the thought of that is just as paralyzing. to leave my little girl, who depends on me for everything, who (no matter how old she gets) will never know herself the way i know her, it's a thought that i just can't bring myself to think about for longer than a few seconds. and then i think of terence's mom. and i wonder if she thought the same things and i know she did. and i feel grateful that she passed away quickly and peacefully, without having to spend days, weeks, or months thinking these thoughts, wondering and worrying about how her babies and love will take care of themselves without her? it is comforting that terence and his sisters and dad are close. they've supported each other in the best way they know in the past weeks and they have been surrounded by friends and family who loved jeanne and will honor her by taking care of her family when she can't. and now i realize that ruby will have that, too, one day. and i can breath again. and i can be strong for terence because i know first hand the love of a mother. there is nothing like that kind of love. a kind of love that wants, above anything else in the world, for her babies to be happy. when i think of jeanne, i will forever be reminded of the importance of loving and caring for my children, in the best way i know how, and making the most of every moment with family because, as has it's been said  (and i'm paraphrasing here) the problem is that we think we have time. but we don't. we have today. and each other. and the memory of those who would have us make the most of the former and just love the latter.

16 August 2012

17 months

so, i feel like i just posted one of these updates, because well, i did. but no bother, ruby has continued on with this whole growing up thing. sometimes it delights me & other times it makes me tear up. but in either instance, i am still deliriously happy & in love her & our little family.

so, what is 17 month old ruby all about? here's a snapshot:

• she asks to listen to "sid" every time we get in the car. (as in, "sid the science kid" on pbs. we love that little nerd.) her favorite song is "checking out charts". no joke. she dances and hollers in her seat whenever it comes on. it's not cute at all.

• recently obsessed with movies. it's pretty adorable and provides a nice break for us every once in a while, too. current favorite: monsters, inc. (and as an aside, having a kid is like reliving my own childhood everyday. it's like living it all over again, through ruby. it's kind of awesome.)

• recently, she's become a little in love with her blankets. she asks for them at night time & puts one over head while i rock her. it's pretty hilarious. it's such a grown up thing to do - ask for a blanket. *sigh*

• oh, this is new & quite funny. lately, she takes any bottle of soap, water, etc & taps the top of it on the palm of her hand (like she's pouring it out), then she rubs her hands together, or pretends to rub the soap, water, etc all over herself. it's really the first pretend play she's done & it is so strange to see it & realize that, yeah, we have a toddler now, not a baby. *gulp*

• she just went through a growth spurt & suddenly fits in some of her 18 month clothes. yikes!

* still not walking consistently. she takes steps here & there. her pedi said she's not concerned & we will just see where she's at when we take her in for her 18 month check-up.

* did i say she's had her first play date, too? seriously, enough with the growing up, ruby! this is why i have no qualms with rocking ruby to sleep still. does anyone else see how fast she's growing up? before long, she won't want me to hold her or do anything for her. no, ma'am, i will rock my babe as long as she'll let me.

and lastly, here's some sweet shots i got this month. enjoy!

08 August 2012


so, a couple months ago ruby turned 15 months. and then a month after that she turned 16 months. (funny how that happens, eh?) and although i took her monthly pics, i sure did slack off on updating it on here. so, thanks for your patience. and here goes!

ruby, lately...
• she is obsessed with balls, balloons, snacks, movies, & sid the science kid. oh, and "doggies!!"
• loves noodles of any kind, knows "chocolate" (she is my kid, after all), and doesn't want anything cut up in little pieces anymore. she wants to take bites off of bigger pieces, thank you very much and if you don't respect this request, i will throw all of your food on the floor & laugh about it.
• she is constantly taking objects, laying them down on the floor, & covering them with a blanket or towel. i thought she wanted a doll, but I guess she just likes covering things up. little nerd.
• peek a boo is still the most amazing game ever. she also likes to wrestle with her dad.
• taking more & more steps gradually. walking is clearly not a priority for ruby. it appears that she knows what she's doing, she just hasn't mustered up the courage to take off and do it all the time. but she's making progress.
• ruby had her first play date & basically spent the three hours torturing or being tortured by her bestie, ava. she wasn't so sure about sharing HER toys in HER house. ava's mom, becky, & i had a blast watching the girls attempt to play, although it was mostly just two wee ones doing their own thing. but a big part of play dates is getting to hang with other adults who can carry on an entire conversation about, say, sippy cups without wanting to gag themselves. it's great making more mama friends, too.
• ruby has been biting lately. she thinks it's a game. we are working on putting a stop to that. wish us luck.
• we got a new big girl bed for her this last week. it is super sweet (bc it's from ikea. duh.) my favorite part is that it's the same width as a twin bed and extends three different lengths so she can essentially use it until she's all grown up (shut up now. she will never grow up.)
• right now ruby is obsessed with pens, markers, and anything involving drawing. her favorite thing to draw on is definitely herself.
• lately, she's been really into music. her favorite books are the ones we sing through and she claps and dances along.
• and can i just tell you how overjoyed i am to report that she's finally sleeping through the night a few times each week. seriously. sleeping through the night?! yes! hopefully this trend continues. again, wish us luck. :)

and now, for the pictures. happy sweet-baby-ruby day! :)

04 August 2012

a girl & her soccer ball

a couple weekends ago we went on a family trip to babies are us. (always fun.) for a while, I've been looking for a doll for ruby because she's been acting out caregiving sort of behaviors (covering things with a blanket & rubbing/patting it, for example). we had been to several stores to purchase said doll but was having a hard time finding a doll that didn't need it's diaper changed on the regular, talk, or need to be given actual baths. i was getting a bit discouraged when i came upon a newborn cabbage patch doll. CPK FTW!

well. ruby had different feelings about
mackenzie (given name for super cool doll, of course). she wanted nothing to do with it because she'd spotted (oh holy bananas!) a BALL!!! which she proceeded to scream about until I handed it to her. and then this happened: ruby hugged her soccer ball, kissed it (with the full "mmmmwaahhh" kissy sound), and then got a death grip on that ball with her little fingers until we purchased it. she has since brought it to school to share it with her friends, chased it around the yard, and thrown it repeatedly at the cats (they have yet to catch it, but she's patient. i'm sure the. cats appreciate that.)

when she is playing with it in her car seat, she looks like this. oh, and yes, her soccer-loving dad is quite proud. :)