what's the latest?

so, i feel like updates are in order. it's been busy around here lately & I've not had the time to blog like I have been lately. (and pardon the bullets but it's the easiest way to get everything out this time.)

• biggest new around here is that we are in full packing/painting/moving mode. it was very sad when our landlord passed away last august. our new landlord is very nice but plans to move into our side of the townhouse & rent out the other side to someone he knows. so, we found a really cute, lower flat just one block away from our place now. no stairs, which is good for ruby, and all hardwood floors, which is also good for her walker ("wheels", as we call them.) we move in officially next weekend but our new landlord has given us the keys and we've been painting and moving things in a little at a time, which is a huge help bc moving with a two year old is not the easiest thing ever. looking forward to getting in and getting settled.(and decorating!) i'm in full-on purge mode, boxing up ruby's toys & baby stuff she's too big for now (this does make me tear up AT ALL) & storing it in the basement. tomorrow i'm going through my clothes & the kitchen & boxing up things to donate to goodwill. it's kinda like spring cleaning & it feels good!

• on a note-so-good note, we had to put one of our cats, Peyton, to sleep last weekend. Saturday morning, I woke up to him crying in pain & listless. took him to the ER vet, who confirmed he had a bladder blockage. she explained the process for fixing it (although it wouldn't be a for-sure fix). it was a horrible decision to make & it was all very sudden. I think the hardest part was having to explain it to ruby & her saying she "love that cat. I get Peyton, mama. Peyton come home, mama." seriously, like a knife to my heart. thankfully, she's two & rebounded quick. but his brother, eli, not so much. she's been sad, crying downstairs, clearly looking for Peyton. we were originally planning on giving them to the humane society to re-home but then obviously changed our plans when it would have been only eli to go. (they would have been adopted together, only.) so, a friend of mine, who also had to put down one of her cats recently, said her family might be willing to adopt eli. and then our new landlord made the same offer. so, it's been decided that eli will stay with our new landlord (who has two other cats, too), I'm glad that eli won't have to adjust to a new home & I think our landlord will take good care of him. we are sad about Peyton but I think everything else has worked out well for eli. we definitely wanted him to be with other cats bc he's always had Peyton & we don't want him alone now.

• shifting gears, we are continuing our process of determining how we are going to go about having more kids. we met with a geneticist who did some testing for us to confirm our SMA carrier status (approximately 2% of all children born with SMA have only one parent who is a carrier, instead of two. this scenario would greatly reduce the likelihood of having another child with SMA, so it's good to have the carrier status confirmed.) we were also screened for cystic fibrosis carrier, as well as a hemoglobin something-or-other disease that is more common in those with Asian ancestory. both of those results came back negative, so that's a good thing. we are going to be meeting with a fertility clinic that does preimplantation genetic diagnosis along with IVF. at this point, we want to have as much information about all the options as possible before we make a decision. I feel good about that. I'll update should we make any decisions one way or another. I can say that we have made the decision not to try to have another baby naturally& take our chances of having (or not having) an affected child. so, we will move forward from here & see what's in store for us. nothing is easy but it will be worth it.

• we are planning our first trip with ruby to disneyland. eeeek!! happy happy happy! families of sma (fsma) is having their annual conference there this year & we will be going, along with my mom, my sisters lisa & wendy, & their kids. cannot wait! ruby & I have been watching various videos of rides online & squealing in delight. so, so, SO excited. :)

I think that's the latest & greatest around these parts. busy, but all is well & we are loving spring & find beautiful moments in each day. like picking our noses (ruby) & snuggling (us)...

let's have a talk

so. i have been putting this off. you might have noticed since I haven't posted anything of substance in a few weeks.


i guess i'll just say it. we aren't planning a move to portland anymore. the plan is to move to minnesota within the next year.


this might not seem like a big deal and you might be wondering why i am being so weird about it all. before the recent post about our plans to move (ya know, the one where i kinda poured my soul out about how it is my biggest dream and stuff? yeah, that one.), i really hadn't talked much on this blog about how much i wanted this plan to come to fruition. i hadn't said that i was regularly checking PNW blogs, reading online newspapers and magazines from the area, scouting neighborhoods and rental properties almost daily, and studying/highlighting/being a total nerd with my "newcomers guide to portland (and seattle)" book. making the big move was something that i felt in my core was what we needed. well, maybe just me. i don't know. it was so important that i finally documented it on here, actually speaking truthfully to "someone" about how afraid i was that if we didn't go, i would spend my life regretting it.


then over memorial day weekend, we spent four days with my family in minnesota. ruby has gotten to spend a lot of time with my sister, lisa, and her family, but this was the first time that she was with many people in her extended family and really wanted to go to them and spend time with them. it was such a joy to see. as i've said before, i have grown accustomed to not living by my family, but seeing ruby with them and imagining her getting to grow up with her cousins really had an unexpected impact on me that weekend.


it's funny. life, that is. one day i can be feeling one way, totally settled into what i think is best for us, and the next day, out of the blue, feelings that pull me in another direction can creep up.


one thing i am happy to be able to say is that i know this choice is the right one. i am happy with the fact that ruby has and will spend the first couple years of her life with her dad's side of the family. she's developed a solid relationship with them and knows who they are, so she will always know and be close with them. and i am happy to imagine ruby getting into trouble with the cousins she has on my side for years to come, climbing trees and going on treasure hunts, eventually becoming the best of friends and confidants, as i did with a few of my own cousins.


but. it doesn't stop my heart from breaking a little each time i see a picture or memento from our trips to seattle and portland. it doesn't stop the fear that i might look back on my life in 20 years and wish we had moved still. and it doesn't take away the feeling of failure. not being able to realize this dream hurts. and that's really why i haven't posted anything much lately. letting go of that dream is hard to do. and putting it out into the world here, and with the few friends that i've told, means it's real. i wasn't ready to process it all yet. (says the therapist inside me. lol.) i've just sat with the feelings and tried to be mindful of where my head was at with it all, while allowing myself to grieve a bit. i know that sounds cheesy and super dramatic, but to me, it really has been a loss that i needed to deal with it.


now that i've worked through it all, i am able to look forward to the future. moving to MN is a much easier move and we have agreed that T will start looking for jobs in 6 months. it will literally take less than a work day to move our whole lives to a new place. and knowing that it will happen allows me to get excited about all of the wonderful parts of moving (seeing my family, like, during the week?? whaaaat!?) and prepare for other parts (ahem, more of the "s" word. ya know, the white, cold stuff.)


so. there it is. thanks for listening. and thanks for letting me get it out. here's to the future.