15 June 2012

let's have a talk

so. i have been putting this off. you might have noticed since I haven't posted anything of substance in a few weeks.


i guess i'll just say it. we aren't planning a move to portland anymore. the plan is to move to minnesota within the next year.


this might not seem like a big deal and you might be wondering why i am being so weird about it all. before the recent post about our plans to move (ya know, the one where i kinda poured my soul out about how it is my biggest dream and stuff? yeah, that one.), i really hadn't talked much on this blog about how much i wanted this plan to come to fruition. i hadn't said that i was regularly checking PNW blogs, reading online newspapers and magazines from the area, scouting neighborhoods and rental properties almost daily, and studying/highlighting/being a total nerd with my "newcomers guide to portland (and seattle)" book. making the big move was something that i felt in my core was what we needed. well, maybe just me. i don't know. it was so important that i finally documented it on here, actually speaking truthfully to "someone" about how afraid i was that if we didn't go, i would spend my life regretting it.


then over memorial day weekend, we spent four days with my family in minnesota. ruby has gotten to spend a lot of time with my sister, lisa, and her family, but this was the first time that she was with many people in her extended family and really wanted to go to them and spend time with them. it was such a joy to see. as i've said before, i have grown accustomed to not living by my family, but seeing ruby with them and imagining her getting to grow up with her cousins really had an unexpected impact on me that weekend.


it's funny. life, that is. one day i can be feeling one way, totally settled into what i think is best for us, and the next day, out of the blue, feelings that pull me in another direction can creep up.


one thing i am happy to be able to say is that i know this choice is the right one. i am happy with the fact that ruby has and will spend the first couple years of her life with her dad's side of the family. she's developed a solid relationship with them and knows who they are, so she will always know and be close with them. and i am happy to imagine ruby getting into trouble with the cousins she has on my side for years to come, climbing trees and going on treasure hunts, eventually becoming the best of friends and confidants, as i did with a few of my own cousins.


but. it doesn't stop my heart from breaking a little each time i see a picture or memento from our trips to seattle and portland. it doesn't stop the fear that i might look back on my life in 20 years and wish we had moved still. and it doesn't take away the feeling of failure. not being able to realize this dream hurts. and that's really why i haven't posted anything much lately. letting go of that dream is hard to do. and putting it out into the world here, and with the few friends that i've told, means it's real. i wasn't ready to process it all yet. (says the therapist inside me. lol.) i've just sat with the feelings and tried to be mindful of where my head was at with it all, while allowing myself to grieve a bit. i know that sounds cheesy and super dramatic, but to me, it really has been a loss that i needed to deal with it.


now that i've worked through it all, i am able to look forward to the future. moving to MN is a much easier move and we have agreed that T will start looking for jobs in 6 months. it will literally take less than a work day to move our whole lives to a new place. and knowing that it will happen allows me to get excited about all of the wonderful parts of moving (seeing my family, like, during the week?? whaaaat!?) and prepare for other parts (ahem, more of the "s" word. ya know, the white, cold stuff.)


so. there it is. thanks for listening. and thanks for letting me get it out. here's to the future.

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