let's have a talk

so. i have been putting this off. you might have noticed since I haven't posted anything of substance in a few weeks.


i guess i'll just say it. we aren't planning a move to portland anymore. the plan is to move to minnesota within the next year.


this might not seem like a big deal and you might be wondering why i am being so weird about it all. before the recent post about our plans to move (ya know, the one where i kinda poured my soul out about how it is my biggest dream and stuff? yeah, that one.), i really hadn't talked much on this blog about how much i wanted this plan to come to fruition. i hadn't said that i was regularly checking PNW blogs, reading online newspapers and magazines from the area, scouting neighborhoods and rental properties almost daily, and studying/highlighting/being a total nerd with my "newcomers guide to portland (and seattle)" book. making the big move was something that i felt in my core was what we needed. well, maybe just me. i don't know. it was so important that i finally documented it on here, actually speaking truthfully to "someone" about how afraid i was that if we didn't go, i would spend my life regretting it.


then over memorial day weekend, we spent four days with my family in minnesota. ruby has gotten to spend a lot of time with my sister, lisa, and her family, but this was the first time that she was with many people in her extended family and really wanted to go to them and spend time with them. it was such a joy to see. as i've said before, i have grown accustomed to not living by my family, but seeing ruby with them and imagining her getting to grow up with her cousins really had an unexpected impact on me that weekend.


it's funny. life, that is. one day i can be feeling one way, totally settled into what i think is best for us, and the next day, out of the blue, feelings that pull me in another direction can creep up.


one thing i am happy to be able to say is that i know this choice is the right one. i am happy with the fact that ruby has and will spend the first couple years of her life with her dad's side of the family. she's developed a solid relationship with them and knows who they are, so she will always know and be close with them. and i am happy to imagine ruby getting into trouble with the cousins she has on my side for years to come, climbing trees and going on treasure hunts, eventually becoming the best of friends and confidants, as i did with a few of my own cousins.


but. it doesn't stop my heart from breaking a little each time i see a picture or memento from our trips to seattle and portland. it doesn't stop the fear that i might look back on my life in 20 years and wish we had moved still. and it doesn't take away the feeling of failure. not being able to realize this dream hurts. and that's really why i haven't posted anything much lately. letting go of that dream is hard to do. and putting it out into the world here, and with the few friends that i've told, means it's real. i wasn't ready to process it all yet. (says the therapist inside me. lol.) i've just sat with the feelings and tried to be mindful of where my head was at with it all, while allowing myself to grieve a bit. i know that sounds cheesy and super dramatic, but to me, it really has been a loss that i needed to deal with it.


now that i've worked through it all, i am able to look forward to the future. moving to MN is a much easier move and we have agreed that T will start looking for jobs in 6 months. it will literally take less than a work day to move our whole lives to a new place. and knowing that it will happen allows me to get excited about all of the wonderful parts of moving (seeing my family, like, during the week?? whaaaat!?) and prepare for other parts (ahem, more of the "s" word. ya know, the white, cold stuff.)


so. there it is. thanks for listening. and thanks for letting me get it out. here's to the future.

wordless-ish wednesday: sunny day

took a day trip to lake geneva on sunday. sunday is always our family day. just the three of us get brunch and do something fun together. this day was really wonderful. it had all the components of a perfect day - my two loves, sun, and ice cream. :) and T took some pictures of ruby & i. i treasure them because i am usually the one taking the pictures so i am not typically in them. sweet moments with my ruby harper.

our week in iphone pics: may 13th - 19th

this week was brutal. work was, i don't even know what work was. it was out of control. we are under-staffed right now. my position is supposed to carry two cases. right now i have eight. so, that's been fun. but, we've hired a few people that are starting soon and that will be sure to help. and to make up for the less-than-wonderful work days, ruby, T, and i have had some fun-filled evenings and weekends. check us out...

1. ruby has been pretending her cymbal is a pacifier lately. it kills me. 2. practicing
her "gentle touch" skills with the cat. who, i'm certain, will be eternally grateful
that i've taken the time to teach her such things. 3. playing peek-a-book with mom,
signing "more". (well, her version of "more" anyway.) 4. putting my sunglasses
on in the backseat. 5. we seriously need another gate. we have one at the top of
the stairs, but this girl has learned to easily scale the boxes at the bottom of the stairs
that used to stop her from such experiencing such adventures. she is on the move.
6. and speaking of doing "big kid" stuff, here she is practicing her spoon skills.
no big deal, ma, no big deal.

1. wrestling with dad. 2. "i just don't know, mom." 3. checking out the trees.
4. puttin' down an ice cream cookie sandwich. 5. we found a mallard (!) in our yard.
and ruby almost ate it. okay, i'm kidding. but she was did chase it around the yard.
poor duck. 6. family trip to alterra, our local coffee shop.

1. ruby sorta loved her first brewers game. 2. T was pretty proud of his girl
sportin' our team's hat. 3. and speaking of hats, it's officially summer when
little baby bonnets come out. 4. hello little yogi-sleeping-babe. 5. more sleeping -
dad and ruby catching some z's. 6. on the way to work, ruby paged through one
of her favorite books while i recited it from memory from the front seat (the skills
that we develop as parents are crazy!. the best part, though, was when we finished
the book, i could see ruby signing "more". so i recited it again, of course. :)

1. this ruby-sized water bottle is ruby's new best friend. 2. the behavioral health
program that i work for has been creating an art installation with the help of the
youth in our program. the youth did all the painting and this weekend the final
piece was assembled. it looks so freaking awesome. i hope the youth will be proud
of themselves everytime they see it. 3. it has been HOT, so i got ruby this ridiculously
cute pool. and then ruby continued to freak the heck out in excitement. 4. this girl is
getting really good at standing on her own. this week, she's started getting up all by
herself. pretty impressive. 5. she's a goof. 6. this is the i'm-watching-sid-the-science-kid-
and-can't-be-bothered face.



1. ruby isn't doing anything particularly special in this picture, but her outfit
is just too cute and i had to document it. 2. then i tried to get ruby to smile in a
picture with me and she mean mugged instead. thanks, kid. 3. here is ruby stealing
a bite of T's cinnamon roll. (and he doesn't look all that happy about it!) .

linking up with amy at a good life blog.