i haven't mentioned this here yet, but it's been almost 4 weeks since T's mom passed away unexpectedly. it was incredibly sudden. for terence and his family, it's been (obviously) devastating. life changing. i can only imagine what it feels like, what it will feel like one day when it's my turn to depend on terence. for me, it's been a shift in what life was like and what it is now. it's just... different. i've stayed focused on taking care of T and ruby, helping out however i can with his sisters and his dad. because of this, i haven't really let myself sit with how it has affected me. the few times that i've really let myself feel everything were when my friends or my family were asking about me specifically. it's really the only time i have let myself feel the weight of how sad this all is because all of my other time is spent taking care of others. which is really how i like it to be. it keeps me busy and gives me a sense of purpose. and it just lifts my spirits to know that i'm taking care of someone else who really needs the support.
going through this as a mother has been different than any other loss i've experienced before. as with everything else in my life, becoming a mother makes this experience different, harder, and sheds light on a new perspective. there is the quote that is something along the lines of "to become a mother is to forever go walking around with your heart on the outside of your body". that quote could not be anymore true. i can't breath just thinking about losing ruby. and to imagine the day when she will lose me? i now realize that the thought of that is just as paralyzing. to leave my little girl, who depends on me for everything, who (no matter how old she gets) will never know herself the way i know her, it's a thought that i just can't bring myself to think about for longer than a few seconds. and then i think of terence's mom. and i wonder if she thought the same things and i know she did. and i feel grateful that she passed away quickly and peacefully, without having to spend days, weeks, or months thinking these thoughts, wondering and worrying about how her babies and love will take care of themselves without her? it is comforting that terence and his sisters and dad are close. they've supported each other in the best way they know in the past weeks and they have been surrounded by friends and family who loved jeanne and will honor her by taking care of her family when she can't. and now i realize that ruby will have that, too, one day. and i can breath again. and i can be strong for terence because i know first hand the love of a mother. there is nothing like that kind of love. a kind of love that wants, above anything else in the world, for her babies to be happy. when i think of jeanne, i will forever be reminded of the importance of loving and caring for my children, in the best way i know how, and making the most of every moment with family because, as has it's been said (and i'm paraphrasing here) the problem is that we think we have time. but we don't. we have today. and each other. and the memory of those who would have us make the most of the former and just love the latter.