06 March 2015

flashback friday: two day old ruby

flashback friday: march 17, 2014. ruby was two days old. that purple nail polish was on my nails when she was born. I still had my you-look-6-months baby belly & this was our first night home together. she will be 4 in about a week & I just can't believe how long ago it seems & yet it feels like it was just yesterday. I feel like I am a completely different person. when I took this picture, we had no idea that ruby would live her life with sma. the disease was asleep still. it wouldn't show symptoms until over a year later. I often look back & wonder what I possibly could have worried about back then. I was foolish. of course, at the time they were understandable worries & stress about leaving her at day care & whether she was gaining enough weight, etc. but now? well, perspective is a beautiful thing. 

this path that we walk with ruby, and now landon, is very strange at times. it can be sad, of course, but the most difficult parts for me are learning to balance feelings that are so contradictory. 

i hate watching my kids get weaker or struggle. I hate worrying about them getting sick. but I know that sma has taught me the value of health, of true appreciation for what we do have. 

i hate that i have to hear ruby tell me she wishes she could stand so she could give me a hug standing up. but I know that sma has given me so many more opportunities to teach ruby about what really matters in life & how to love all of our differences. 

it's a fine line to walk & just like any parent, I question myself constantly as to whether I'm doing the right thing & wonder why God would think I'm up to the task raising tiny humans. 

but with ruby, there's never any wondering. since the moment she came Earthside, she has made her every intention, thought, & preference clear. she feels everything 100 times over & shares that feeling with everyone by way of a dashing smile, a wicked stare down, or a face full of tears & sobs. she is full of love. she gives it to those she loves, freely & usually in a goofy way. for me, it's with just a look that says more than words ever can. she's the one who made me a mama. when I'm doubting my ability, I'm reminded how much she has taught me, when I let her. no matter the tough-to-learn lessons life brings, she always brings the light in. she's our sunshine girl, after all. and i can't believe she's almost four.