snow bunny

ruby played in snow for the first time of her 21 months of life today. we have known that she's been a fan of the elements for a long time. probably since she was born. in the hospital, the nurses told us that ruby was given her first bath and they said that she did not like it at all. so when we got home and it came time to clean her up the first time, we were surprised to see that she loved it. since then, she's continued to really like playing in water. in addition, she gets super excited whenever the wind blows through her hair or the rain falls on her face. and then she was introduced to snow. we hadn't gotten much here yet this year but we got a couple inches last night and so she and i ventured out into it today. it was no surprise that she loved it from the start. she threw it in the air and covered her face in it, never seeming to mind how cold it was. and when it was time to go in, i had to drag her out of it. she seemed to have a blast. check it out!

all bundled up and ready for some fun

it's cool, guys. i'll just lay here in the snow.

oh, for the love all things warm and fuzzy, here's ruby's snow angel.

my favorite. becoming a big kid.

better late than never: merry christmas!

we got some super cute pictures taken in december at a gingerbread house decorating party (i know!!). i even got little pictures printed out to send to everyone for the holidays...and then i lost track of time & didn't send them. fail. BUT there's always handy-dandy new year's card! win.
so, the family might get them that way, but until then, here are my favorites. enjoy!

christmas happiness

can't believe how quickly christmas came & went this year. i don't think it helps that it was on a tuesday, either. we had a few years when it was attached to weekends & that was good stuff. anyway, while we are trying to get back into the swing of things, we are happy to have some wonderful christmas memories from this year.

ruby & i made the trek up to minnesota by ourselves last weekend. overall, ruby did great & we even dodged a big snowstorm so that was a relief. we stayed at my oldest sister's home and i got to see ALL of my family, which is no small task. all six of my siblings, plus 8 nieces/nephews, plus all 3 of my parents were in one place at one time & i LOVED it. the only draw back was that T couldn't come with us. but when we came back christmas eve, we got to spend that evening & all of christmas day with him, which was a wonderful time.

here's a photo bomb of some good times, christmas style!

ruby found her cousin's "um- ella!!" 

view from my sister's front yard. she lives in the country, which made for a perfectly relaxing trip.

fun with grandma della

cousins hard at work (aka unwrapping presents)

"holy crap!! check out my new ride! it comes with a WAND!" 

someone loves their auntie lisa

i can't tell you the sheer joy ruby had when playing at Bounce World. homegirl was losing her ever- loving mind. and also, i think i had just as much fun as she did. 

there is little more wonderful than the friendship found in a cousin.

"cheese!!" having lunch with her cousin, teagan.

omg.yay.christmas.toms.

i am still here.

i think about blogging all the time. the past few months, well past six months actually, have been difficult at times. each time i think of coming on here to document about the latest happenings, i've stopped myself because i haven't wanted to wallow in the darkness and focus on the negative. sometimes it feels like if i express my deepest, darkest fears out loud, i'm somehow jinxing the worst to happen. makes total, logical sense, right? now would probably be a good time to mention that i tend to be a bit of a worrier and have been known to let my anxieties run a tad out of control.

so, one of my new year's resolutions is to actively & purposefully live in each moment and appreciate it as it is, to stop trying to plan everything or trying to imagine all of the possible "what if" situations that could arise in the future. i will be around "here" more often (another resolution) and will give more information as to what's all been going on with us. it's a lot to get into right now and i am sleepy tonight.

so for this evening, i will say merry christmas. and here's to a beautiful 2013!

wordless-ish wednesday: buddies

a mother's love

i haven't mentioned this here yet, but it's been almost 4 weeks since T's mom passed away unexpectedly. it was incredibly sudden. for terence and his family, it's been (obviously) devastating. life changing. i can only imagine what it feels like, what it will feel like one day when it's my turn to depend on terence. for me, it's been a shift in what life was like and what it is now. it's just... different. i've stayed focused on taking care of T and ruby, helping out however i can with his sisters and his dad. because of this, i haven't really let myself sit with how it has affected me. the few times that i've really let myself feel everything were when my friends or my family were asking about me specifically. it's really the only time i have let myself feel the weight of how sad this all is because all of my other time is spent taking care of others. which is really how i like it to be. it keeps me busy and gives me a sense of purpose. and it just lifts my spirits to know that i'm taking care of someone else who really needs the support.

going through this as a mother has been different than any other loss i've experienced before. as with everything else in my life, becoming a mother makes this experience different, harder, and sheds light on a new perspective. there is the quote that is something along the lines of "to become a mother is to forever go walking around with your heart on the outside of your body". that quote could not be anymore true. i can't breath just thinking about losing ruby. and to imagine the day when she will lose me? i now realize that the thought of that is just as paralyzing. to leave my little girl, who depends on me for everything, who (no matter how old she gets) will never know herself the way i know her, it's a thought that i just can't bring myself to think about for longer than a few seconds. and then i think of terence's mom. and i wonder if she thought the same things and i know she did. and i feel grateful that she passed away quickly and peacefully, without having to spend days, weeks, or months thinking these thoughts, wondering and worrying about how her babies and love will take care of themselves without her? it is comforting that terence and his sisters and dad are close. they've supported each other in the best way they know in the past weeks and they have been surrounded by friends and family who loved jeanne and will honor her by taking care of her family when she can't. and now i realize that ruby will have that, too, one day. and i can breath again. and i can be strong for terence because i know first hand the love of a mother. there is nothing like that kind of love. a kind of love that wants, above anything else in the world, for her babies to be happy. when i think of jeanne, i will forever be reminded of the importance of loving and caring for my children, in the best way i know how, and making the most of every moment with family because, as has it's been said  (and i'm paraphrasing here) the problem is that we think we have time. but we don't. we have today. and each other. and the memory of those who would have us make the most of the former and just love the latter.

17 months

so, i feel like i just posted one of these updates, because well, i did. but no bother, ruby has continued on with this whole growing up thing. sometimes it delights me & other times it makes me tear up. but in either instance, i am still deliriously happy & in love her & our little family.

so, what is 17 month old ruby all about? here's a snapshot:

• she asks to listen to "sid" every time we get in the car. (as in, "sid the science kid" on pbs. we love that little nerd.) her favorite song is "checking out charts". no joke. she dances and hollers in her seat whenever it comes on. it's not cute at all.

• recently obsessed with movies. it's pretty adorable and provides a nice break for us every once in a while, too. current favorite: monsters, inc. (and as an aside, having a kid is like reliving my own childhood everyday. it's like living it all over again, through ruby. it's kind of awesome.)

• recently, she's become a little in love with her blankets. she asks for them at night time & puts one over head while i rock her. it's pretty hilarious. it's such a grown up thing to do - ask for a blanket. *sigh*

• oh, this is new & quite funny. lately, she takes any bottle of soap, water, etc & taps the top of it on the palm of her hand (like she's pouring it out), then she rubs her hands together, or pretends to rub the soap, water, etc all over herself. it's really the first pretend play she's done & it is so strange to see it & realize that, yeah, we have a toddler now, not a baby. *gulp*

• she just went through a growth spurt & suddenly fits in some of her 18 month clothes. yikes!

* still not walking consistently. she takes steps here & there. her pedi said she's not concerned & we will just see where she's at when we take her in for her 18 month check-up.

* did i say she's had her first play date, too? seriously, enough with the growing up, ruby! this is why i have no qualms with rocking ruby to sleep still. does anyone else see how fast she's growing up? before long, she won't want me to hold her or do anything for her. no, ma'am, i will rock my babe as long as she'll let me.

and lastly, here's some sweet shots i got this month. enjoy!